Sure!

Welcome to 2014! Oh, is my welcome a tad bit delayed? Well, here is my explanation...

In November of 2013, my husband and I began to walk through the most difficult time in our marriage. We did not have marital issues, but we had plenty of life issues. The death of a parent, diagnoses of an illness in a child, a job lay off, financial strain....the list piled high! In December the Lord spoke to us and told us to uproot our family and move from North Carolina to California. California is the one state I specifically asked the Lord NOT to send us to...I should have known it was coming! The move was orchestrated in a way that let us know... God is definitely behind this. Then we arrived and things got WORSE!

I went through the toughest mental battle that I can remember in recent years. I wanted to lash out at my husband as the enemy threw thoughts and ideas at me that said he wasn't good enough, wasn't doing enough....basically nothing he was doing was right in my mind. In actuality my husband was doing everything in his power to hold it together, but the frustration of our situation was an open door for the enemy to toy with my mind. As I fuddled through my thoughts, God would whisper the truth to me which would keep me from going too far off of the ledge so I kept my mouth shut and my relationship with my amazing God-given husband in tact. But as the enemy often does...he would return a little while later to temp and torment me further. What makes the enemy's lies believable is the way he uses just enough truth to make you think everything he's saying is correct. Some of the thoughts he threw at me were rational and played to the weaknesses of my flesh. I allowed those things to stick and thus put me into a very negative head space.

Part of what led me to such a state was my desire to remain a stay at home mom. I prayed to God earnestly to remove me from my last job and fear made me believe going back to work meant going back into the same bondage and discontentment. My husband spoke to this fear and assured me it would be different this time, but all I kept thinking was, "Would God move me all the way to California just to go back to a job?" The idea both scared and infuriated me. I started to wonder if everything I'd heard from God concerning my career as a writer was my own wishful thinking. I cried and pleaded with God for guidance and reassurance, but He said nothing. I will share revelations I've learned regarding the delayed response in a different blog, but for now just know...that delay spoke VOLUMES!

When I felt I could not go on another day, a dear sister of mine asked me to call her. I'd avoided calling her because my own fear about going back to work made me think she'd judge me for my decision. In fairness to her, she's only shown me love and support in all of the years that I've known her, but again the enemy was playing in my mind. When I called her and told her about my job, she instantly said, "The Lord showed me a job for you, and I thought it was weird, but that's what He showed me." That's all I needed to hear to silence the fret inside of me that was consuming me daily over going to work. Let's be clear, I don't mind working, but I MUST first fulfill my duties as a wife and mother. It's difficult to work full time and take care of the home, but as long as I'm in the grace of God, I know I can do it. My fear was living outside of His grace.

Once I tackled the ridiculous fear of working again, God started to deal with me on other emotions that I was bottling inside; resentment, frustration, doubt...all were taking turns in my mind. When I realized it was starting to consume me I reached out to another sister and asked for her prayers. The very next day I heard God speak to my heart and I felt the spirit of torment BREAK! The prayers of my sisters found me at my weakest point and helped me over the hurdle of deep distress, sadness, and fear. I can't stress the importance of reaching out to like minded believers, but again...another topic for another blog posting.

The day the Lord spoke to me wasn't this huge event. I was driving and crying to Him saying, "Lord, I do not understand this. I know you, you know me. We talk. What's going on." In that moment the Lord spoke to my heart and said, "Yes, you do know Me!" I began to weep at that simple reply because He was right, I do know Him and to know Him is to know that NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, HE WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME! I felt an assurance rise up in me that I have never experienced before. He comforted my soul and gave me peace! I know Him. He is ALWAYS in control! Whatever He wants will happen!

The very first scripture I learned when I came into relationship with God was Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." I never thought this scripture would speak so clearly to me all these years later, but it did! All I had to do was trust Him! I may not have understood everything, but I understood the One who controls everything! From that day to this one I have watched God fulfill promises concerning our lives and one word has remained alive and well in my spirit... SURE! I am SURE I know my God and He will always deliver!